


Better Than I Know Myself

by axumun



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Amnesia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-24
Updated: 2011-11-24
Packaged: 2017-10-26 12:12:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/282956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/axumun/pseuds/axumun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something in his stomach tightens uncomfortably as he watches its hit count rise, as he watches the news headlines about the accident flood the Web: <em>Adam Lambert Falls Off Stage, Suffers Head Injury</em>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better Than I Know Myself

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Thanksgiving!!!  
> As usual, a thousand hugs and kisses to Casey for all the help.

White flashes of light pass through his mind, too many to keep track of, too many to remember.

Adam reaches for them, knowing deep within his soul that they're important somehow, cherished.

They slip through his fingers before he can find them again.

*

Sauli sits in the waiting room, his fingers gone white in a death grip around his phone as he watches the video. Again. Something in his stomach tightens uncomfortably as he watches its hit count rise, as he watches the news headlines about the accident flood the Web: _Adam Lambert Falls Off Stage, Suffers Head Injury_.

He puts his phone away, unable to face any more of this new, terrifying reality. A head injury, a fucking _head injury._ Those hardly ever have a happy ending. He can't lose Adam. He _can't_. The possibility is so close now, so sharp and so horrifyingly _real_.

It'd taken hours just to get here, and those hours had passed like weeks. In all that time, the stories had gotten worse and worse, and the rumors were already getting out of control. Sauli knows enough not to trust any of them, but staying away from them isn't easy. For the moment, they're all he has.

Leila's on her way, and Sauli tries not to count down the seconds to her arrival. They need each other's support right now, at least until they know what's going on.

He'll stay here all night if he has to, even if the hospital staff try to kick him out. He'll wait as long as it takes, until Adam wakes up again.

He can't escape the _if_ that pricks at his mind after that thought.

*

Much to Sauli's shock and relief, it's not long at all before he's told that Adam has regained consciousness, finally able to open his eyes and even _speak_ , though he's not allowed to see Adam for a little while after that. Then again, maybe _hours_ have passed, hours that Sauli's spent wondering and clinging to hope.

Sauli finds himself praying silently, praying like he never does, not anymore, not in a _long_ time; finds himself reminiscing about this past year and a half, this still-new, still-blooming life with Adam, and every memory pulls at his heart - every shared word, every touch, every breath in between.

Sometime later, Leila finally arrives, and Sauli quickly reassures her that Adam's awake and aware. They end up just _holding_ each other for a while, falling apart while holding the other together.

They sit and talk about everything, about nothing, always keeping a hand on the other's shoulder if only for validation, until they're finally told that they're able to visit Adam.

*

It's obvious Adam underwent some sort of procedure in the few hours it had taken for Sauli and Leila to arrive. A bandage conceals one side of Adam's forehead, and Sauli shudders at the thought of the wound that lies underneath. Bruises are scattered across his face and arms. His eyes are half-open, and they don't hold that stunning vitality that they're known for anymore, unfocused and somewhat dull.

Sauli wonders if Adam had even noticed them come in the room.

At last, he does, turning his head just enough to get them in his line of sight, but something still seems wrong.

Adam manages a soft, "Mom," and a pretty smile , bright and true despite his evident pain. But when his gaze falls upon Sauli, all of the recognition in his eyes is gone. "And who might you be?"

Sauli chuckles nervously, convinced Adam's just kidding, even if he's not finding this very funny.

Leila sits beside Adam and strokes his hand. Sauli stands frozen, waiting for Adam's expression to change, panicking a little more with every second that it doesn't.

"It's Sauli," Sauli manages, offering his own smile, though he imagines it's probably not very convincing.

"Sauli? I don't know a Sauli."

It takes every ounce of Sauli's strength just to keep from falling to his knees after hearing Adam's words, and he has to uncharacteristically hide his face with his hands and close his eyes and pray that he's dreaming. He pinches his arm hard enough to make his skin flush an angry red, but nothing happens.

He decides to just go for it, saying, _pleading_ , "Adam, this isn't funny," though he can see that Adam looks more puzzled than ever now.

Sauli takes a few steps toward Adam, gently brushing his hair back with shaky fingers, carefully avoiding his injuries. He holds Adam's eyes for a painfully long moment, and he can see that Adam's searching, too, searching for a memory that he doesn't even have anymore.

When Adam fails that search, Sauli looks over to Leila, and they share looks of confusion and distress.

"I don't know," Adam breathes, guilt in his eyes. "I'm sorry, I don't know."

 *

"This isn't unusual for a head injury."

Sauli doesn't bother to remember the doctor's name, though something prickling inside of him tells him that he should learn it, just in case. He ignores it; there are more pressing questions on his mind.

He figures he might as well ask: "Will his memory ever come back?"

"The loss might only be temporary, so, possibly, yes."

Sauli can't help but cringe when he hears the words _might_ and _possibly_ , though he knows they're all he has to work with right now.

*

Adam stays in the hospital overnight, and he's supposed to be released the next day, since his cuts are healing just fine, and there's really not much else that can help him apart from time and patience.

That forces Sauli and Leila to check into a nearby hotel for the night, and Sauli is almost grateful that they're _here_ , since they're both pretty familiar with much of New York City. Sauli spends the night in near solitude like he never does, restlessly toying with his phone, staring aimlessly through the windows, doing anything he can to keep his mind off of the accident and his boyfriend _not fucking remembering him_.

If he thinks about it too much, he'll just retreat further and further into himself until storm clouds blind his usually-sunny disposition, and he just won't be Sauli anymore. He's been there, and he can't - _won't_ \- let it happen, especially not now.

For the little time that he _does_ think about it, he thinks about exactly how much Adam has to catch up on, just in case he never remembers Sauli on his own, and he thinks about exactly what it would take to trigger Adam's memory.

It's hopeless; he can't _not_ think about this. He can't put it off. This is his life now.

He falls asleep to the far-off hope that maybe Adam's memories will be back the next time Sauli sees him.

*

Adam's hand lingers on the doorknob, fingers brushing cold metal for a long moment before he finally opens the door. Wonder in his eyes, he slides his hands along the walls and the ornate paintings hanging on them.

He gives Sauli a reassuring smile, and answers the obvious question in his eyes: "Yeah, I still remember this place." He doesn't add, _it's my own house, after all_.

Sauli tries to hide his sigh, but Adam notices anyway. Adam always knows when something's wrong, always knows how to comfort those who need it, and it reminds Sauli that Adam's still _Adam_ , no matter what he forgets or remembers.

Adam turns around and takes Sauli in his arms, the same as if he'd never forgotten him, as if he hasn't only been given a brief overview of who Sauli even is.

"This must be really awkward," Adam whispers into Sauli's hair with a humorless chuckle. "I'm sorry. Really."

Sauli simply nods.

"I guess we'll have to start over. Where _do_ we start?"

*

Sauli sits beside Adam on the bed - _their_ bed, though somehow that's not quite right. It makes Sauli's heart ache to linger on that thought; _kills_ him to think of all the conversations shared here, the love made here (literally _love made_ , not just sex), to think that Adam can't remember any of it.

It's like there are weights clinging to his limbs, like there's a bomb strapped to his chest. His words catch in his throat, and he's not sure which ones would help Adam understand - understand him, understand _them_ , understand everything.

A sob makes its way past Sauli's lips, and he falls against Adam, his face pressed against Adam's chest, his body tucked under Adam's arm.

He holds back his tears and focuses on Adam's familiar warmth, focuses on a time when just _this_ , just being wrapped up in Adam's security and heat, could help anything. He focuses every ounce of his energy on breathing.

Adam gently tips Sauli's head back, tracing a finger over his eyelids, his cheekbones, and his mouth, watching Sauli's features soften. Adam's hands travel lower, his fingertips brushing Sauli's throat, stroking his chest, framing his waist and his hips. One hand snakes under Sauli's shirt, caressing the smooth skin of his back.

He whispers, "Sauli, I _know_ you," because somewhere deep inside of him, he knows Sauli's body, knows Sauli's heart, knows his fears and his desires, knows what makes him tick. But... "I just can't _remember_ you."

Adam's head starts spinning, his mind flying in a million different directions, though instead of memories, he's only left with a raging headache.

Adam lets Sauli go and leans back until he's laying on the bed, his face twisted in pain. Sauli can hear him trying to even his breathing. He leaves the room for a minute, coming back with an aspirin and a glass of water. Adam swallows it down gratefully, letting Sauli pull the blankets over him, letting Sauli pull him into his arms.

"Maybe we shouldn't talk tonight," Sauli whispers, his fingers gently massaging Adam's temples.

He wonders if Adam finds these sleeping arrangements awkward, and he wants to ask, but Adam's fast asleep by now. The extra sounds will only bring him more pain anyway.

It doesn't feel too different from before if Sauli doesn't think too much, but once again, trying not to think yields the opposite effect.

*

Early in the morning, early enough that the sun has just started to rise and pretty pinks and yellows are just beginning to peek in through Adam's bedroom window, Sauli wonders if just living his life as he always had would help Adam remember him.

He begins sorting through all of the daily things they tended to do together, from their morning jogs to their kisses goodnight. He's reminded that they haven't done so much as kiss in days, reminded that Adam's supposed to be somewhere on the other side of the Atlantic right now, touring the world and living his dream.

Sauli's mind drifts to their last conversation before Adam's fall, remembers the excitement that had colored Adam's voice, remembers how he pictured Adam drinking in the sights and the sounds of Europe once again, and wanting nothing more than to experience that with him, to share it with him.

Once again, he falls asleep, his open palm pressed against Adam's heart.

*

Sauli awakens again to Adam's familiar, beautiful voice, catching a glimpse of him with his phone pressed against his ear. He tries to ignore Adam, pulling a blanket over his eyes to block the sunlight as he tries to fall asleep again. He's pretty used to this; he knows Adam sometimes gives phone interviews at this hour.

There's just one problem, though: Sauli knows the voice he uses when he's in the middle of a phone interview, an impossible cross between a focused businessman and an enthusiastic child that only he can pull off, and this isn't it. He sounds very casual, his emotions bleeding through his every word like they only do when he sings.

Sauli sits up slowly and strokes Adam's arm like he's asking a question, startling Adam into silence.

"Hold on a minute," Adam murmurs into the phone, pulling it away from his face. "Sauli? Did I wake you up?"

"No," Sauli mumbles, then, "...maybe." Then, finally, "Yes."

"I'm sorry," Adam begins, "it's just, I woke up really early and I started wondering about how everyone's doing, and I checked my phone and had all these messages from Alisan and Dani, and they're worried sick..."

That gets Sauli thinking, since he's been wanting to talk with Alisan and Dani, too, and he's been wondering if they know what's been going on, that Adam's forgotten him, wondering if they've been reading the news stories, though he's sure they know enough to stay away from them.

"It's Dani," Adam confirms, motioning toward his phone with a finger. "I told her what happened, and she's asking how you're doing, and I don't know how to answer her."

Sauli sighs, propping his chin on Adam's shoulder and staring down at the phone in Adam's hand. "She's waiting," Sauli reminds him, though that doesn't help Adam out much.

Adam nods halfheartedly, bringing the phone back to his ear. "He's doing okay, considering."

*

adamlambert Adam Lambert  
Have to take a vacay for a few wks. Sorry, doc's orders. Love you all!

He doesn't check his @replies after sending the tweet; he's not sure he can take it. It's like he's let everyone down, and nothing can be done about it.

Getting over his own disappointment, he takes a quick peek at the responses, some of them heartbroken, most of them furious.

Thinking of all the trouble this causes haunts him: the deadlines, the ticket refunds, their hopelessly fucked up schedule, and the dumb fucking rumor mill that's spewing god-knows-what kind of garbage regarding his latest tweet. The thought of all the damage the accident caused inside and out almost makes his head burst, and he can't stop the raging migraine that follows.

Sauli comes to check on him not a moment too soon, about to announce that breakfast is ready, but he can see from the pain and stress etched onto Adam's features that food is absolutely the last thing on his mind, and he swallows his words.

He sighs. He's seen the tweet, and he can see what pain it causes Adam to have to do something like this, to have to cancel dozens of shows during a tour, to be cooped up in his house when he should be performing and travelling and seeing his fans.

He knows that Adam hates this surrender more than anything.

Sauli leaves momentarily, coming back with a glass of water and two little pills, just like before. Adam's not sleeping; Sauli can tell that right away. "Adam," he murmurs, and the only response he gets at first is a strangled intake of breath, then a moan of pain. Sauli's heart sinks.

Adam's eyes finally open, staying fixed on Sauli's face. Sauli can see the hurt there, can see that Adam wants nothing more than to just be left alone. Normally, Sauli would respect this, but he's not going to stand around and watch Adam hurt if he can help it.

"Can you sit up for a minute, Adam? You really should take this - "

Adam burrows further under the blankets, and Sauli has to hold himself back from chuckling, though there's really nothing funny about this; Adam's just such a child at heart, at the best and worst of times.

It takes some convincing, but Adam finally cooperates, moving just enough to safely swallow the meds Sauli offers him before throwing the covers over his face again, tossing and turning almost constantly.

Sauli definitely doesn't want to leave, doesn't want Adam to feel like he's in this alone. Slowly and carefully, he crawls into their bed, wrapping an arm around Adam's waist, and stroking Adam's hair with his opposite hand, willing to stay just like this for the whole six weeks of medically imposed rest if it would make Adam better.

*

Days later, Adam wakes up with an alarmingly clear mind, and something new and sharp pricks at him. He can feel something pulling him, something intangible that seems to have an aura of its own.

Carefully, since Sauli's sound asleep and still clinging to him, Adam gets out of bed and peeks out of his bedroom window, but sees nothing out of the ordinary. He absentmindedly taps his fingers against the polished wood of his dresser, and his heart skips a beat. He tries desperately to figure out why the hell he's feeling this way, why he feels like crawling out of his skin, like soaring through the sky.

His hands toy with the handles of the drawers, and instantly, he realizes that this strange burning just beneath his skin, this foreign state of mind that has his head spinning, is a memory.

When he realizes this, he focuses on the blurry visual: a folded, well-used sheet of paper. The sight is nothing remarkable, but it means the world to Adam, now more than ever.

He knows _what_ it is, and he knows _where_ it is. Adam scrambles through every drawer in the dresser to find it, and when hedoes, he feels tears burn at the corners of his eyes.

Adam remembers writing every word on this paper, remembers every thought that passed through his mind with every precise pen-stroke that flowed from his head - or, maybe more truthfully, from his heart - through his hands.

Months ago, he'd written this song, and had even composed a rather intricate melody at the time, even if it was only in his head. He vowed that this song would never, ever make it to any album, and would never be for sale. It meant too much to him, to _them_ ; something that was meant to stay between him and Sauli.

It's this song alone that brings back his memories of the man it was written for, little by little.

They come to Adam like short video clips at first, and as if time had been turned back, Adam sees himself on that cold November night, _feels_ himself there, meeting Sauli's eyes for the very first time, frozen in place. His head floods with colors and sounds, countless images and words, and he watches them pass him by, since he just can't make sense of them all at once.

He shivers when he's pulled from this newly-found memory, and watches closely as their relationship continues playing like a movie behind his eyes. He sees all the ups and downs, all the beauty and the pain they've seen and shared in the many months they've been able to, and he's grateful for every second now that he really, truly remembers.

If he'd known this would be enough, he could've spared Sauli all of this worry and confusion, but he realizes now that it can only make both of them stronger. He traces every precious word with his fingertips, and they make his heart swell and overflow with the unbreakable passion and love for the man he's tried so desperately to remember over the past week and a half.

He whispers the lyrics scrawled on the page to the melody he remembers from what feels like ages ago, his eyes trained on Sauli. It occurs to Adam that Sauli has never even read these words, let alone heard Adam sing them, which is so unusual since Adam is so used to sharing everything with him, including the music he makes. He's used to sharing every line and every hook that he creates, and even the ones that others create for him.

These words have only passed his lips in an empty room, never reaching anyone else's ears, and singing them with Sauli in the room, even if he's sleeping, excites (and even terrifies) Adam to no end.

Because he remembers now. He remembers _everything_.

His voice rises and falls like the tide, synchronized and powerful. He's not even trying to be quiet anymore. He pours every ounce of himself - every emotion, every regained memory - into his voice, not even missing a beat when he sees Sauli stir.

It's not until Sauli sits up and meets Adam's eyes with lingering sleepiness and immeasurable awe that Adam stops completely, not out of nervousness or self-consciousness, but because he forgets how to breathe.

Adam _remembers_ him instead of just _knowing_ him, instead of only seeing his silhouette and letting time fill in the empty spaces, But it's like he's seeing Sauli for the first time, just like that first night, just a little more permanent.

The sweetest of all smiles graces Sauli's face, his eyes lighting up like those of a child, and Adam can read the quiet question there, can tell he's been listening the whole time and wants to hear Adam again.

Adam returns the smile tenfold and makes his way back toward the bed, crawling on top of Sauli's body and whispering the first lines against his neck. He doesn't get much farther before Sauli tilts his chin up and captures his mouth. They've never kissed like this before, as cliche as it sounds; this is more than a kiss, it feels more like a reunion somehow.

Words aren't necessary anymore, not even if they had the breath to express them. Adam almost wants to apologize for putting Sauli through so much, even if he couldn't control what had happened, but he swallows his words before he can verbalize them

A weight is lifted from both of them in that moment, and the coming weeks don't feel so scary and full of uncertainty now. As a matter of fact, Adam can't wait to see what they hold for him, can't wait to see what kind of memories he and Sauli can make in all that time, memories that he vows he'll never let slip from him again.


End file.
